Fighting the Reality of Disease

Fighting the Reality of Disease

Part I of V

The First Diagnosis:

About 15 years ago, I learned I had Lupus.  The doctor stated at the time it was a very hard disease to actually diagnose, and then once you find you have it, it is hard to treat.  Up until this year, I had denied the reality of me having Lupus.  I would not succumb to something I could not see, hear, touch, or smell.  I did not want to be treated as if I was weak, not as strong physically and mentally to conquer whatever came my way.  Growing up with knee problems, I already felt handicapped in many ways as I couldn’t run like other kids, and many of the normal activities done by adults were extremely hard, if not down right painful.  Admitting I had a real disease was not an option for me. 

 Misinformation:

Four years ago I was hospitalized with blood clots.  At the time, the treating physician stated she found no Lupus, but did find I had Factor V Leiden.  This is a rare blood disease which causes the blood to clot more than average.  I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.  Having the physician state Lupus did not show up on her tests, reaffirmed my position of denial.  I have since found out this is a common problem.  Hence the poster:

Fighting the Reality of Disease

Part II of V

Me, a Leper?

For a period of time, I continued in denial.  It was just easier this way, and I was dating.  I had a very real fear of suitors finding out I had Lupus and then treating me as a leper.  I did not want to be shunned, since Lupus is not contagious, yet I also didn’t want to share in my pain fears either.  During this time I met a very nice woman who had Lupus as well.  Once we had an afternoon to chat, with no interruptions, I found she had many of the symptoms I did, and some I did not.  At the end of our conversation, I remember feeling very sad for her, but did not personalize any of what we had shared. 

 The First Smack in the Face:

This last year I have discovered there is no hiding from something which grows, and is determinate on your life’s activities, including my daily job. 

As a Paralegal I must spend many hours at the computer, typing, researching, and reading off the screen.  At night, when I had to type all day preparing pleadings, my fingers would hurt so bad, it would take two or three days for the pain to subside, and this was only if I didn’t have to go back the next day and continue typing for hours.  My fingers would feel like they were crimping up, looking like an arthritic person’s hands.  Many nights I would lay in bed, just waiting for my pain medication to take over, as I couldn’t move my hands in a comfortable position, and couldn’t sleep with the pain.  It took a long time for me to finally start taking any kind of prescription pain medication.  Prior to the discovery of my Factor V Leiden, I had taken Aleve® or something similar to relieve bone pain.  Now, being on the blood thinner, I was limited to Acetaminophen.  I was also enjoying the additional pain of carpel tunnel in my left hand.  I was down to wearing a really stiff brace on my left hand during the day, and a somewhat less restrictive one at night.  I was consuming acetaminophen way more than the bottle suggests in a daily dose.  So, I finally requested something for the pain, and being allergic to Codeine, my doctor called in the least amount of Hydrocodone.  

I was having more of a problem with fevers and a sore throat, as the work was getting more stressful, and I was getting older.  Again, I found some relief with the acetaminophen for the fever and throat pain.  The doctor could suggest nothing more, because, by the time I would actually be able to get into see him, pending my work schedule and his appointments, I would usually have figured out a means to deal with it.  I sincerely hate going to the doctor or any medical facility, and if I can figure out a way to just deal with it, or self treat, I will.  One weekend, it was a beautiful Saturday morning, I was preparing to have breakfast with my mom and then tend to some errands which I had not felt up to handling all week; I realized why I was not to take anything other than acetaminophen.  As I was preparing to leave the house, my nose started bleeding profusely.  It was downright gory.  And, since I also broke my nose years ago, I was not able to do the ole’ pinch the nose trick to get the bleeding to stop.  I had to lie on the bed for about an hour; feeling and tasting the blood go down my throat, until I felt the bleeding had stopped.  My day was ruined as I was apprehensive all day about getting too far from home.  Just for good measure, I also changed into a black t-shirt and black pants. 

Upon notifying my oncologist, he was very upset I did not go to an emergency room upon this bleeding event.  I explained the circumstances prior to the event, and the doctor wanted me to keep a thermometer at my desk and take my temperature many times throughout the day.  This was a problem since I am with clients during much of the day, and I had no real privacy.  People would continually ask if I was feeling okay every time they would see me taking my temperature.  I did not want to be seen as weak or sickly, so I stopped taking my temperature except for when I was at home. Back to my routine of acetaminophen and just dealing with the problems.

I was fired from this job for, at least this was the story I received, being forgetful about filing documents, and generally not remembering a lot of things.  I will admit, I had been having some doubts as to my memory prior to this, but upon consulting with doctors and friends, I was consoled by the age theory.  Then I had a slight fear I may be getting Alzheimer’s early in life; I was only 43. Now, as I look back on the events and at how much medication I was taking at home and at the office, my memory might very well have been affected. 

 

Fighting the Reality of Disease

Part III of VThe Second Smack in the Face:

The event which finally led me to recognize I had Lupus was a two and half week trip in a “big rig.”   I had decided since I was unemployed, I would check out obtaining a Commercial Driver’s License (CDL).  In doing some research on the profession of truck driving, I hooked up with a driver for his time out in July.  Although I could not drive, I did experience what the lifestyle is really like, and did learn quite a bit of the daily activities of drivers. 

At first, things seemed fine.  I was learning, doing my school work on my laptop, and was actually helping the driver with the computer part of his job and some of the required paperwork.  Then the fever started.  I was not able to get much sleep; in fact, I figure I was only getting 2-3 hours of sleep each twenty four hour period.  I was not able to sleep while the truck was in motion; it was just too damn bouncy.  When we would stop, I appreciated the driver needed to make sure he was well rested, as our very lives, and the lives of others on the road depended on this.  I would let him sleep on the bed while I was up front, sitting up-right, watching a movie, reading, or doing a discussion in my Master’s class.  This shortly became real old, and the fever became worse and worse.  Acetaminophen was not helping after a while.  The stress levels rose on the trip as the quarters were very cramped, my dog which I brought with me had stopped eating anything but human food, and the driver was having real issues with some of the loads. 

On July 18^th, things came to a head, per se:  the driver was in a convenience store and I was waiting in the truck.  I realized I needed to go to the bathroom before we took off again, got down from the truck, and headed for the store.  I suddenly lost consciousness, and found myself all skinned up and laying in front of a truck.  This was no small issue; if the truck would have moved forward to leave, as he was not fueling, he would not have seen me lying there, as I was on the right side of the truck, directly in front of the tires.  In fact, had he left while I was there, he may have never known he ran over me one way or the other, as the truck is so large, and my head is just a small melon in comparison.  You can safely assume this did not happen, as I am here writing this all down right now. 

What did happen, in my opinion, was worse.  I believe I bruised a rib real bad on my right side, hurt my right arm while trying to break the fall I had no real clue was happening, scuffed up my right calf pretty good, and took a chunk of flesh right out of my right foot.  My left hand was scratched up, and my left arm also hurt as if I tried in vain to stop the fall with this arm as well.  Oh, yeah, I also hurt my stupid right knee which already has issues.  I do not remember even a thought of knowing I was going to fall, just walking, and then being in pain.  No one saw this whole exciting event, and so I gathered myself together, left the chunk of flesh though, and went into the store.  I really don’t remember much more of this time period.       

A day later, I realized how bad I had hurt myself.  My foot hurt where I was missing part of me, and my arm and rib hurt severely.  I was so exhausted by this time; I was willing to try anything and anytime to sleep.  Whenever I would try to sleep while the truck was in motion, every bump we would hit would send tendrils of pain through my side.  Although I was taking my blood thinner, I was showing signs of anemia as well with yellowing eyes.  I was in seriously awful shape.  I knew then much more of this traveling and I would be in the hospital. 

I had given up on any attempt to sleep while the truck was in motion, and realized I would only be able to sleep every few hours when the driver slept as well.  It was awkward, as we had to sleep head to toe, but few a couple of merciful hours I was actually able to sleep.  This sleep deprivation was occurring even with the assistance of sleeping pills, which in a normal life would have knocked me on my butt. 

Circumstances changed when the driver had a family emergency in California.  Whereas he was thinking we would stay out longer than the three weeks we had originally spoke of, he was forced to come home a bit earlier.  I was so thankful; not that his family was having this emergency, but that I would be able to get home sooner.   The driver’s role in all the events will be totally unrecalled as it is a whole emotional roller-coaster unto itself.

Upon my return, I pulled the muscle or bruised it again, as it started hurting worse than the original pain.  I spent the next two weeks basically resting, lots of time in bed, and doing the absolute minimum of daily activities.  My side finally stopped hurting, and most of the marks from this awful experience are gone; but as Lupus goes, we are slow to heal, so I still have a sore on my foot (maybe I should have retained this missing flesh instead of leaving it on the ground).  Reflection of this whole trip made me finally realize I HAVE LUPUS.  I have also had to recognize I cannot do everything, and I have more limitations than I previously thought.   I investigated Lupus groups on MySpace, and have met some very wonderful people who have helped me with this realization.  My thoughts on going to the doctor haven’t changed, but at least I know where to look when I am having a new problem, or a flare of the old issues. 

 

Fighting the Reality of Disease

Part IV of VToo Damn Independent for My Own Good:

What seems odd to me is the fact which stares me blatantly in the face:  Every time I would have a new physical ailment, the one place it would always, without fail, show up is under Lupus.  As a stubborn individual, I choose not to accept this, and tell myself it was just coincidence the symptom fell under the same disease over and over. 

 The Cost of Realization:

My Mom has now been diagnosed with Lupus as well, and she is a good patient and goes to the doctor frequently for treatment.  She also has insurance.  I, on the other hand, have not had insurance for almost a year now.  The treatment of Lupus, at least for some of us, requires specialists.  While having insurance, I did see a Rheumatologist for Restless Leg Syndrome, which she told me, would get worse, and when it did, I was supposed to go back to her.  It has gotten worse, but I haven’t been back.  The office visits alone are upwards of around $200.  My regular physician’s office visits are $125.  The only way I can I can see a specialist or my regular doctor is to pay cash, or if I qualified for Medicaid/Medicare.  I cannot qualify for Federal assistance as I am not disabled or 65.  I do qualify for blood testing through a special clinic which works directly with the prescribed medication for blood thinners.  I have also qualified for patient assistance for my blood thinner.  I have also discovered because of having the Factor V Leiden, I cannot get life insurance.  At this point in my life, I am not ready to, nor do I think I would receive, Social Security Disability.  I have a very dear friend who is the same age as I, and she has had to file for Disability because of severe back issues.  She has an independent stubborn streak as long, if not longer, than mine.  This whole affair of her having to go to doctors, finding she cannot do the same work she has done for years, and wait for someone else to make a decision on your income, has been very humiliating to her.  She is way worse off than I, therefore, I do not think I would even get in the front door. 

Fighting the Reality of Disease

Part VConclusion

To be very honest with you, I do self medicate much of the time.  I find much of the pain subsides for a while if I drink a shot of whiskey.  The fevers lessen if I have a Cosmopolitan, must be the vodka, and the cranberry juice can’t be bad either.  I have not taken to drinking excessively, and do not drink to get drunk, just to give me a break from the physical ailments.  On the flip side, since I have been unemployed, and not had the daily demands on me, my fevers have lessened considerably and my hands seldom hurt as before.  I have not had to take nearly as much acetaminophen or pain pills as well.  I do fear though what will happen to me if I do have to go back into being a paralegal, as I feel my condition has not gotten better, just been relieved for a time. 

One might question if there would have been a difference in my condition had I secured treatment earlier in life.  Perhaps, but I wonder how many people are diagnosed with a disease as vague as Lupus (Mesothelioma, Fibromyalgia, etc.) and deny it until it screams for attention. 

 

Bad Boys-a wish?

A friend brought this to my attention:  there are a lot of women looking for bad boys in their ads.  This disturbed my friend, as he is a church going male in his 50’s.  He feels like the pool of women he has to choose from is pretty small already, and to add the criteria he needs to be a bad boy to attract a large portion of this group.   I took some time and researched his complaint.  Dad gum, if he wasn’t right on.  In the two personal sites I checked, the numbers blew me away.  My criteria: Man looking for woman; between the age of 40-53; 100 to 250 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada; and pictures on their profile were not needed.  On Match.com there were about 512 women looking for a bad boy type of man, and Yahoo Personal had about 159.  These figures are staggering.   I am going to use an old adage here:  Be careful what you wish for.   A woman places in her ad she is looking for a bad boy, what happens when she gets a bad boy?  There is a reason they are bad boys, let’s remember this.  If they have a criminal record, they probably won’t tell you this upfront, but they will admit they are a bad boy.  They may hang out and do drugs, or drink excessively.  They drive a Harley.  Yup, this could be a bad boy as well.   The woman searching wants a connection with a man, and a little excitement as well.  She is done with the nice-dinner-and-movie-guy.  She wants to get out and have fun, she wants to feel alive, and probably most of all, she wants to feel real passion. In this later age group, the picken’s are smaller than in the younger age group.  Some women feel like they have to settle for what they can get.  In settling, they also feel they may be getting too stagnant, and are feeling their age sneaking up on them.  These women are not looking for a father/dad, they are looking for a man they wouldn’t have wanted around their kids.   Bottom line:  Don’t complain when guys start making connections with you which end up being jerks, users, or just plain mean.  And, please be careful you don’t get a guy who is violent.  Again, be careful what you wish for!     

Live life to the fullest?????

I have noticed a new line, or not, which appears on many men’s profiles:  Live Life to the Fullest. 

Hmm.   This statement could have many definitions.  Some may feel living life to the fullest is having as much fun, physically, as possible.  Another may define living life to the fullest as finding the spiritual center.  The point is: this appears to be a line, and one must wonder as to the definition of the profiler. It looks good, sounds great, and appears as if the profiler is really into life and fun.  This is why is seems to be a pick-up line. 

 

Some may classify extreme sport activities as living life to the fullest.  At the end of the day, when you are home alone, you have to spend time with you; no amount of extreme activity is going to take this away.  Same with partying excessively; there is still just you when the party is over.  When you have had sex with anything in a skirt, eventually you have to stop for a break, at the very least.  I might wonder about the person who needs extreme life experiences continually, are they running from something or someone?  I have no issue with extreme activities; I just feel that a need for them may be a large red flag.  You may be awesome to date, and always have great adventures, but can you come down to earth?

 

On the other side of the coin: Living life to the fullest as to finding a deep spiritual awakening, may be a bit much as well.  I hear you saying, “Damn, this woman can’t be satisfied one way or the other.”  Hear me out.  I have met men who are very nice, actually fit into the category of “nice guy,” yet dating them is so deep and emotional, and it is boring and stressful.  A person who is so into finding out who they are and want to take you with them on this journey is not my idea of a positive relationship.  We must all work on finding our spiritual center, or a place where we can feel comfortable with ourselves, on our own.  It cannot be influenced by another, for if the relationship breaks, it will damage the rather precarious image of you.  So, there must be a balance between physical activities which get the heart racing, and sharing of the quiet side of you. 

 

Now, thus far, this article has appeared to be focused on men, but, fear not, women are in the same predicament.  I have found more men appear to know who they are inside than women.  Women always seem to be searching themselves for flaws.  Sales of “self-help” books are geared more towards women than men, simply because they are the biggest consumer of these books.  If you are a woman, ask yourself this: When your last relationship ended, whether you ended or your partner, did you look for faults in yourself, or blame yourself for the failure?  If you are anything like me, which I am sure many women are, after all the gnashing and crying are done, you immediately look at yourself and wonder what is wrong with you.   So, women, you as well need to find your center without the assistance of a relationship, and even better, while not looking for one period. 

 

Living Life to the Fullest may mean something totally different to the profiler than to the reader.  Again, I must emphasize specifics.  If you like this line, then be somewhat specific in your profile as to how you live life to the fullest.  Friends, please beware of any profile which states they are looking for another to live life to the fullest.  If a profile states this, they probably have a hard time being alone, and don’t particularly know, or don’t like, the person in the mirror. 

 

The Reality of Red Flags: Scary Freak!

Okay, this comes from real life, like I promised. 

 

About two months ago, a guy contacted me from MySpace.com.  Didn’t say much, didn’t even ask to be added as a friend.  He never sent any comments, or made any blog posts.  Just sent me a message saying he thought I was pretty.  I actually ignored the first couple of messages he sent me, feeling the intuition going to the “S” (suspicious zone).  Finally, I answered, not because he had enticed me or wore me down, just because I didn’t want to be rude.  It was sorta’ like someone who keeps talking to you, and you finally turn around and yell, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” 

 

He kept asking and asking for my number.  He finally gave me his numbers, home and cellular.  Was bored one evening and went against the ole’ intuition, gave this guy my cellular number.  Jeez, do I ever read my own articles?  Upon first talking with him on the phone, I was really turned off.  He talked so damn fast, I couldn’t understand most of what he said.  After the first conversation, I never wanted to talk with him again. 

He continued to write me over and over again.  I didn’t respond. 

 

He contacted me one day stating he was coming to ‘Vegas.  Oh, I so wasn’t excited about this, but figured I didn’t have to meet him anyway.  Then he told me the woman who paid for his ticket here had gotten back with her boyfriend and she wouldn’t be meeting him.  She did tell him to use the tickets anyway, as he said he had an older child here, so he could use the tickets to see his kid.  That was a real nice gesture, a bit expensive, but nice.  So, he was here and was supposed to see a couple of other women he had been chatting with and his kid. 

 

Long story short: I met with him and had lunch and we walked the Strip.  He wanted to get some Rum at a more reasonable price than on the Strip, so I stopped at a local liquor store.  While there, he purchased a bottle of Vodka for me, $18.99.  I drove the whole day so I was in control of where we went and how long I was with him.  After the Strip, I took him back to his hotel, said “thank you,” and felt it was clear we would not see each other again.  “It” just wasn’t there between us.  There were little signs, like no PDA for one thing, and the fact he was constantly looking at others, not just chicks, but everybody, like he was looking for approval.  Could be wrong on that one, but it just appeared he was looking for approval, and people to notice him the whole time we were out.  It would also explain the non-PDA, as he would have to show someone else attention. 

 

We spoke the next morning, by phone, and he told me he had a date with a woman at 7:00 p.m.  He asked what I was doing, and since I assumed we were not a couple or even going to date again, he didn’t need to know what I was planning.  Just as I was leaving for my date, he called.  He asked where I was going, and I informed him I was going out.  He then got a bit upset and said I had told him I wasn’t doing anything.  I asked him what difference it made if I was going out or not as he was supposed to have a date as well.  He said the date got cancelled.  So, basically, I was supposed to sit at home just in case he didn’t have a date or something.  He told me he wouldn’t contact me again. 

 

Next day he called again, and again, and again.  He left messages, a ton of them.  Some of the messages said how he knew I wanted him and how I should come over, others where he was real pissed.  I didn’t answer the phone.  He was supposed to leave ‘Vegas.  He said everybody dis’d him, and he was pissed.  He even wrote a rather mean bulletin on MySpace reflecting his anger.  I figured he would be catching a plane shortly and so I didn’t need to worry. 

 

As life would have it, somehow he missed his plane.  Then he called unremittingly saying he had missed his plane, did I still want to see him.  At one point, I was on a call with a friend for an hour, and this guy called 6 times during that one call.  I had started to get a bit concerned as to the intentions of this guy and looked him up on a few Internet sites.  He wasn’t a registered sexual offender.   Whew!  I wasn’t able get on to the county court website for his county, so I looked in the local newspaper.  I found the police blotter which spoke of his DUI #3 charge and arrest.  Then, much to my surprise and dismay, I read where there was a suspicious murder of a woman the same age as me, with the same last name as his in this very small town.  What were the chances of all three of these factors coming together at the same time?  This murder happened about the same time he went AWAL from MySpace for a short time.  So, I was a bit more concerned at this point.  There was no way in hell I was going to contact him again.  I immediately went to MySpace.com and deleted him, and blocked him.

 

He has continued to call, even though I don’t answer, since yesterday.  One of his messages today even referred to the bottle of Vodka.  This is why I really hesitate when guys buy me things: seems like I need to keep paying for them over and over again.  The bottle of Vodka was a whole $18.99, yet somehow I owed him for this, and should go and get him from the airport, take him to my house, and, from what he was saying, have sex with him as well, because I so wanted him.  I keep hoping his cell phone battery will die, but then I think he probably has a travel charger, what a drag.  I had my Mom look up flights going in his direction, and since the town is so small, there was only one leaving ‘Vegas today.  He hasn’t called in the last hour, and this is about the time the flight was to leave.  Hopefully he was on it. 

 

In one of his calls he threatened me stating he was going to get home and delete me from MySpace.com and from his phone.  I sure hope he keeps his word on this! 

 

I do hope anyone who reads this understands why I stress, as well as many other dating advisors, to listen to your intuition, gut feeling, and pay attention to the Red Flags.  I hate to consider what could have happened if I had went to his room, or retrieved him from the airport.    

Are online daters real couples?

 

Two words: Red Flags. 

I hound about these two words in my other posts, but pay attention! 

 

When two people are online, they can look like, seem like, and be like anyone.  How will you truly know who they are?  I have had guys tell me they are from Oregon, yet suddenly I am sending them stuff in Ghana.  How many stories have I heard from men who say the woman looked totally different in real life than her picture posted.  Or for that matter, I have heard women say the same thing of men.  How do you know if he/she is “dating” only you?  The other person could be a drug addict or alcoholic.  Would you know?  The issue is this: until two people physically meet, look into each other’s eyes, and watch their body language (whether you realize you are doing this or not), they will never know if they can truly trust the other.  If you think you can without this meeting, you are sadly living in a rose colored world. 

 

I will add this anecdotal story:  When I was going through a divorce, I was writing a man in England.  Oh, we got along so well.  He was having the same problems with his wife as I was with my husband.  We talked for a long time.  He would send wonderful thoughtful e-cards when I needed them.  We never made plans of being together, but he had mentioned another area of England he wanted to live in once he left his wife.  It was so nice, to have a man talk to me, to show thought for me, and to say those little things I was not getting.  As soon as I informed him I was actually going to go for the divorce, he disappeared.  I never heard from him again.  I think he feared with my real life divorce impending now, I would try to come over to England and find him.  Just to set the record straight, this was never my intention at all.  I never had thoughts of living there or finding him. 

 

So, I guess one could classify what I had with this English fellow as dating online, but since we never met, I don’t feel we were dating, but rather sharing our hearts online, in support of each other. 

 

Dating online is not real dating.  The whole purpose and plan of dating is for two people to formalize a relationship by getting to know the other person.  Dating is supposed to be dinners, for the purpose conversation; for walks together, to share small physical touches; for meeting family and friends, to assess if you two can socially interact together. 

If I pay more, will I evade the freaks? « The life and times of an online dater

If I pay more, will I evade the freaks? « The life and times of an online dater

If I pay more, will I evade the freaks?

MySpace is free; Yahoo Personals run $124.95 for six months; eharmony, $173.70; Perfect Match, $159.95; and Match.com, $131.88.  Which service is better?  If I pay more, will I get better results?  No freaks?  People who are serious in a real relationship, not just a night out?  And, last but not least, in paying for a more expensive membership, will the profiler be more honest?  These are all good questions to ask before investing in one of these sites. 

Since I am an experienced online dater, I will share with you, my thoughts and results.  Hopefully, my thoughts will offer some insight to help you decide before you pull out the plastic and make your initial, or additional, investment into the online world of dating.   

A year or so ago, I joined eharmony, fully expecting to find someone real and serious about a relationship.  I spent three straight hours filling out the relationship questionnaire.  Then I pulled out the plastic and paid, what I considered an investment fee, not a simple membership.  The profile placed me in this little tiny corner of all possible matches at 12%.  You may ask, “With results so bleak, why did I pay the huge fee?”  Good question, I have no answer. I guess I figured if there was any place I could possibly find my soul-mate, especially since I was in this small population, it would be the service which placed me in this population.   About a week later, I received my first potential matches.  After going back and forth, per eharmony procedure, I finally met a couple of the matches.  Let me just say this, this small little group of 12%’ers, well, we must be a little freaky.  The guys were nice, paid for dinner or drinks, opened the doors, perfect gentlemen.  After dinner, though, that was it.  We didn’t hit off in, even a small percentage.  In the short time we spent with each other, we were both convinced that even though we were of a small select group, we were no match!  So, like many investments, this was a bomb.   My final impression of eharmony is it is really expensive, takes a lot of work to even get a profile, and the results were not impressive at all.  Granted, this may just be my experience, I mean look at the commercials, and apparently this is a great deal of successful stories of other members.  I would be interested to know the percentage group most of their successful members fall into.   

My experience with Match.com had similar results; I just wasn’t as frustrated as I was with eharmony.  Match.com didn’t put me in this tiny corner, and it wasn’t as expensive.  Now they even have a special: you are guaranteed to find someone within six months, or you get six months free.  Ok, now back up a step.  That is one whole year, and I am sorry, if I am not having positive results after six months, do I want another six months on the same site?  Just the thought of being on a dating site for over six months depresses me. 

Onto Yahoo Personals, I have actually met some really nice guys.  Yeah, I have met some freaks and Internet stalkers as well, thus the experience in getting rid of unwanted attention.    The way I work Yahoo is this:  I complete my profile; upload a recent photo; and designate my specifics (see the “Any” post).  Then, I sit back and wait.  I guess I am just a bit ole’ school, I like the guy to contact me first.  Shortly, the “winks” start coming in.  At this point, I usually pay the monthly fee for one month.  I do this so I can respond to all these nice gentlemen.  I believe it is only common courtesy to answer anyone who takes the time to contact me.  I guess I see sending winks or ice breakers as like trying to start a conversation in real life.  If someone says something to you in a store, not responding to them is just rude.  Oh, and to address the comments I have read regarding how old fashioned and stupid winks are.  They are not!  Many people are really shy about first contact, so the winks help them make contact without putting them on the spot to come up with something clever.  Further, people do still wink in public.  I have been winked at many times, and have winked a few myself.  Winks are cool, and very helpful.          

After a few contacts, and before my month period is up, I asses whether or not I want to pay for an additional month.  I usually have had enough contact to either have made a few friends, or to convince me that this period of time is just not right for the dating scene.  Be careful though, as most of the sites automatically bill for another month.  I always mark the date I will be charged again, and a couple of days before, so I can cancel before I am charged.   

My final assessment of the expense associated with dating websites is cost does not equal satisfaction or a soul-mate.  Freaks and Internet stalkers can and will register with all of the dating sites, no matter the expense.  I suggest trying a few on for size, even if the cost is a bit more paying for one month than paying for six months, it will balance out when you find a site that works for you.  As to whether profiles are more honest if one pays a larger fee, haven’t found that to be necessarily true either.  The purpose of the questions is not hard to figure out, therefore manipulating an answer to create a more likeable profile.  Also there is nothing to stop anyone from putting up an old photo or lying about their basics.  Bottom line, if someone will lie about themselves on a cheaper site, there is no reason to believe they will tell the truth if they are spending more money.  A person who is not confident about themselves will not gain a better perspective of themselves if they spend more money.  In fact, if they are spending more money, they may be more inclined to lie, attempting to make their profile more marketable.  The red flags and intuitions you get when responding or contacting someone should still be your best tool no matter what site you are on.  I find I get a pretty good idea of who the person is by just reading their profile, the first actual email, and if they have taken the time to be specific about what type of person they are looking for.   

Any?

In looking at many profiles today, I noticed one consistent trait in many of the profiles:  “Any”.

It appears the only areas which profilers are fairly specific on are body type and ethnicity.  Some designate smoking and drinking preferences.  Notice this is not gender specific, men and women alike have this problem.  I think the reason we do this is not to offend anyone by being too specific.  But, these questions are not being asked in a Congressional hearing, they are being asked to assist you in finding someone you click with.  So, don’t complain when some freak starts writing you, or you have a date with someone who is really not like you at all, when your profile reads “Any” on so many characteristics.

 

The biggest area of being vague in my opinion is “Marriage Status.”  Come on people!  If the man or woman you are looking at is married, you can appreciate their honesty of saying this straight up in their profile, but then you have to ask why are they posting a profile, and if they are married, are they looking for swingers?  “Any” is not a realistic desire of a potential partner.  Further, if you don’t want someone who has a toxic ex, don’t put “Any” on your list of desires.  If the prospective profile lists separated or married, they are bound to have some issues from a past (or current) relationship which have not been resolved.  I apologize to those who are married trying to escape a bad relationship, or those you are separated trying to start over.   Point is, to give a new relationship a chance you have to have put the old one behind you.  It is like trying to bring your boat into a new harbor but with the anchor down, dragging behind you.  There could be lovely sights to see in that new harbor, but you won’t know until you pull up the anchor, and move on into the shore. 

 

“Living Situation” is another truth needed area.  If you are a woman and the guy is living with his parents, does this make a difference to you?  Be honest.  If you are a man and the profile states she lives with her parents, would this be a concern for you?  If he/she states they live with pets, and you are allergic to cats, say something right up front.  Ask in the first email if “pets” includes cats.  I would think this would be a deal breaker unless you are willing to take allergy medicine the whole time you are dating.  Guys, I am not sure if you have heard this or not, but if a woman is asked to make a choice between her pet or a significant other, it is always best to choose the pet.  Giving up a pet for a lot of people, men and women alike, is like giving up a best friend or kid.  Also, if the woman lives with a roommate, is the roommate a guy?  If so, would this be a concern for you? Specify, specify, specify! 

 

The subject of “Religion” is an important tell-tell sign as well.  If you put “Any” in this area, are you willing to accept someone who is Pagan?  Who is Atheist or Agnostic?  Or, someone who is LDS?  This is not an “Any” area.  If spirituality is important to you, then make sure you designate this.  An Atheist or Agnostic is not going to be into chatting about your church choir, and may offhandedly offend you in chatting.  A very spiritual person may attribute more things to God than you believe, and this may bother a person who is not spiritual or Pagan.  Pay attention to the red flags when conversing:  does he/she talk about church more than you like?  Pay attention to your gut instincts. 

 

I have worked with divorce court and in family law for many years, and the three largest reasons for divorce are exactly what most people are leaving as “Any” in their answers.  Honesty is at the top of the list of reasons for divorce.  Religious beliefs and money are the other two.  I am not impressed by the person who puts “Any” for a majority of their answers, ‘cause I know you have some specific criteria with regard to these characteristics.  If I am emailed by a man, and in checking his profile, find he answers “Any” to a majority of the questions, I don’t email him back.  I may be totally off here, but I feel he is either desperate, doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, or he just wants to find someone to “shag.” 

 

In reality, if a profile just turned out to be an “Any” person, would you want this person for your soul mate, or even for a date? 

Rene

Dating yourself

Before we find someone who is going to be out soul mate, our lifelong love, or just a close friend, we must first have some understanding of who we are and be okay to be with just ourselves.  Now this might sound like one of those self-help books, but bottom line, wherever you get the advice from, book, grandma, mother, friend, it is true.  If we don’t like ourselves then no one else is going to give a crap about us one way or the other.  So, take a mirror out (perhaps the same one you used to examine yourself before posting your profile), and look at you.   

Do you like who is looking back at you? 

Would you hang with you? 

Would you ask you out? 

Silly questions at first, but think about them.   

Now, would you go to the movies alone?  On a Friday or Saturday night? Or would it have to be in the afternoon on a weekday, when most people are at work? 

If you wanted to go to Red Lobster, or similar, would you go if you couldn’t find someone else to go with? 

Do you go to the mall or shopping for anything but groceries by yourself?   

After much growth and just plain aging, I have realized there are too many things in this life I want to do, and I want to do them NOW!  I don’t want to wait for some guy to come along and take me to see a movie I have been dying to see since the first preview.  If I want crab legs, by damn! I will go to Red Lobster.  I don’t even notice if others are looking at me, probably because I don’t really notice if someone else is there alone either.  I don’t believe there is some unwritten rule only a couple (man and woman, two friends, etc…) can go out in public together.  Give me one good reason a single person could not go by themselves to see a movie or eat out.  Trust me, the waiter doesn’t care, and neither does the ticket taker.  No one places a big sign on your back saying “She’s alone, couldn’t get a date!”  Please!  People in this day and age don’t care, and most don’t even notice. 

Now to get back to the issue of being cool with ourselves: If we do not have the self confidence to go out to a movie by ourselves, then we are sincerely lacking.  You either care too much about what others think, or are too self conscious.  Either way, STOP!   I don’t care how much you weigh, how tall/short you are, or if you have a big ‘ole zit on your nose (maybe you should take care of that first though, don’t want to scare small children), this is it, this is you.  I lead my life like this: What is the worst that could happen?  Yeah, I guess everybody could stand up in the theatre and point at me, yelling, “She is alone, no date!”  Seriously don’t think that is going to happen.  Simply because I would yell back, “Look at that guy with the big belly, or that chick with the zit on her nose (told you to take care of it before you left!).”  The realistic worst which could happen is somebody looks at you sideways, and you interpret this look as reading the big sign on your back.  In reality, they probably didn’t even notice you weren’t with someone, and if they did, they could be envying (yes, green envy) you because you are able to go it alone.   

There you have it: no big signs are posted on your person; people don’t care if you are out with yourself or ten people (as long as you are not alone making the noise of ten people!); and a lot of people, especially women, are envious of any woman who can just go places by herself.  I find the beauty of this whole going out alone thing like this: I can wear whatever I want to; I can eat as much popcorn with or without butter, and I can put my feet up on the bars in front of me, instead of trying to be all ‘lady-like.’  When I go out to eat, I usually sit where I can watch a game.  Two reasons for this: one, I actually like watching lots of sports; and, the drinks are closer this way, better service all the way around.  If I wanted to be real conniving I could also add in many places where are all the guys hanging out at dinner time if they are single?  The bar.   

If I have a particularly stressful day, I go to my favorite bar, play Janis Joplin and Melissa Ethridge (empowering music), order my food and cosmo, and I am off playing whatever my limit is for the night on the video poker.  I don’t sit and get drunk, I don’t go to the ATM for additional cash to gamble, and I don’t even really know how much time has passed, till I realize my selections are through or I am at my limit on the machine.  Good therapy.  I don’t go home with anyone, don’t even notice anyone.  As far as I am concerned, I am there with me, the bar is empty, and I am in my head.  I have been picked up on a few times, but I so quickly blow it off, or the bar-tender, who knows my routine, does it for me, it doesn’t even touch my balloon of de-stressification.  I always remember two things when I go to a bar or casino and a guy picks up on me: 1)Don’t be surprised if the guy who picked you up at the bar is an alcoholic, and 2) Don’t be surprised if the guy who picked you up at the casino has a gambling problem.  Many don’t have these problems, to be sure, but the ones who do gravitate to places which support their addiction.   

Look at others who are out going to movies, dinner, and shopping.  Many dress so bad, I wouldn’t even take the dog out looking like they do.  These days one does not have to be all gussied up to go out, we can dress however we feel comfortable, which can be scary sometimes when looking around, but basically good all the way around.  Yeah, it would feel a bit funny to be all dressed for a fancy party, and walk in alone, but, hell! Been there, done that, as well.  No big deal once I got in the party.   Go out and do what you want!  Don’t wait for someone else to take you.  Think of it this way: The date could really suck and end up ruining the movie you had so been looking forward to, and if you would have went by yourself, well, that would be a great date, ‘cause you’re a great date! 

Rene

RED FLAGS!

             Hey, friends.  Let’s talk about RED FLAGS of online dating.  There are quite a few, and I am sure my list can be added upon, so feel free to comment.          

         One of the biggest Red Flags I can offer is the scams which can really hurt your heart and your pocket book.  It appears it is profitable lie to another online: money, electronics, and identities have been lost this way.  The basics of the scam work different for women and men, or at least I thought so until last week.            For a man, usually a woman emails him, stating she is in Russia, or some other country.  He checks out her profile and she is drop-dead gorgeous.  I haven’t had any man tell me the woman was okay, she is always beautiful.  She finds you so attractive, and she wants to meet you and come to the United States really bad.  Many men have gone a couple steps further and actually talked with the woman on the phone, and some have even traveled to Russia.  From what I have encountered in my friend’s stories, only one woman will contact them.  Conversation online continues, and he falls for this woman, hook, line, and sinker.  Some men send gifts, some send money.  The end goal for the woman is to have him send her airfare to come to the U.S.   Many a men have fallen for this, and send money, or send plane tickets.            The end of the story is sad.  I had one friend who told me actually went to Russia, to the address she gave him and he had been writing and sending gifts to, and couldn’t find her.  No one in the building knew who this woman, she has never been seen in the apartment or neighborhood.  After searching for days, he finally left Russia with a broken heart, broken pocket book, and feeling like a fool.  Another male friend of a friend stated he actually paid for the woman to come to the United States, but when he met her, she was not the same woman he had been conversing.  These men who fall into these traps are tender-hearted, and caring, so when she shows up at the airport not being the same woman, he is at a loss at to what to do.  Does he call security; turn her in, meanwhile appearing as a fool to the rest of the world?  I am not sure what this guy did, but it would be a very awkward situation, to say the least.           

           The scam which even I, yes me the experienced online dater, fell for was the classic Ghana scam.  I had been contemplating moving to Oregon, and placed my profile on a personals site looking for individuals in the new area so I would have a few contacts.  I was contacted by lots of wonderful and kind men.  But, just like anything else, it only takes one to spoil the party.  A man contacted me with a very realistic picture: the guy wasn’t super model quality, but nice looking; he had a great smile; a nice home in a town not far from my chosen area; and here is the key, he was a widower, with a son.  First reaction when you read a man is a widower is feeling sorry for him, especially if there is a child involved.  Just check it for yourself:  which word gets your attention more, widow or divorced?  So, his story continues, and he chatted with me more and more online.  He told me what his home looked like in Oregon; what is son was like; what he did for a living; how he was preparing for this trip to Ghana; and, things he liked about me.  He finally started with the undying love for me, and plans for a future with me as his wife, and his son’s mother.  He caught me hook, line, and sinker.           

         Soon he is in Ghana, and suddenly his laptop won’t work there.  Did I question how he was emailing me?  Yeah, but I dismissed it as he said he had a computer in the house he was renting.  Then his cellular phone won’t pick up a signal in Ghana, he needs me to purchase one for him, and he even provides the internet address of the store where he wants me to buy it from.  Then he also states I might want to buy an Ipod or something like that for my “new” son for Christmas.  I really saw a lot of red flags at this point, and told him of my concerns.  He came up with answers for some of them, but the kicker was when he sent flowers.  He had a dozen roses sent to my house; yes he had my home address, stupid me.  He also sent a beautiful small Christmas tree complete with lights and decorations to my office.  I was so flattered, and I thought he had to be for real if he thought enough of me to send me these gifts.  Like an idiot, I purchased the cellular phone and Ipod.  I was convinced.            

          Fed Ex came to the rescue.  In sending the electronics via Fed Ex, I found they have their own way of trying to reduce scams with regard to Ghana, and other countries.  I sent the electronics out on a Friday; they contacted my boss as his name is primary on the Fed Ex account, to verify he was sending this package to Ghana.  He verified it, but meanwhile I had second thoughts, and found a website which had details of my experience other women had written (http://www.internet-love-scams.org/forum/index.php).  In doing just a little research and reading, I found so many women who had been told the same exact story as my “true love” was telling me.  I immediately telephoned Fed Ex and had my package returned to the office.  I was able to get my money back on the electronics.  When I told this story to a Federal Agent while making a report of online scamming, he told me I was lucky I purchased the items, as if I would have been an intermediary with his funds, I would have been an accomplice in this scam.  He also told me the flowers were most likely purchased with stolen credit card information, which would explain why the tree came from a totally separate store than the roses.  I was lucky!After I told my story and added this scammer’s picture to the album on the website mentioned above, I received an email from a woman who had just received a loving and wonderful email from the same guy.  She was so grateful to have been forewarned about this guy.           

      This is an example of how a scammer would write which I just happened to receive last week:   It was a beautiful day yesterday and nice to get a mail from you i belive with time we can get to write more as we get to know each other better, Today is gorgeous cos your beginning to allow yourself to know me and responding to make me know you more too, i hope my days when we meet would be much full of surprises and wonderful. How are u doing today? hope you having a pleasant time i will be online tonight to talk to you[notice the time difference], i also would really love to chat with you dear[endearments way too soon!], i know this night we give us allot time to communicate and talk better i must say i am attracted to deep communication, although we haven’t gotten to know each other more but the little i have read and seen about you give me the courage with accept fate telling me you would accept me[any mention of fate, big RED FLAG!]. You can let me know what time you will be on and i will see if we can be on the same time. IF NOT I’LL GIVE YOU A BETTER TIME.I am feeling like a part of me has been born, this is a part that has been giving lost heart reason to believe that my life would no longer have direction. The direction in which I would walk to seek my goal, The goal everybody seeks: The goal of completion. I need to be completed by my partner, I want to spend my life making her happy, Spend all day with her Talking to each other using only body language, Be more proud of her than I already am at this very moment, Accept my partner totally with love and completely Be one with her. Envelop my partner with passion in my soul. I want to Grow old with my partner. Love has no limit neither time…it comes when you decide to open a space in you hear to let it. Now i hope this is the time where i would have to decide on how i want to hold onto it forever.[Ok, all of this is just creepy for a second email!]OK before then tell me a little about the things you like and want, what kind of things you would like when  you are in a relationship, how you would like time spent  together with your spouse[did he say “spouse”?] what kinds of things would you like to be done in your relationship, what things would you want in your relationship to uphold and develop a strong bond, how would you want to start a relationship what kinds of things are you looking for in a relationship, what kind of life do you dream of having? well i will wait for your response probably will be on later I’m gonna have some rest now and will look forward seeing you mail response,
take care
Ivan                           Emphasis added, Red Flags in…Red.         

Thanks, Ivan.           

     Last week I also received an email from a woman in Nigeria.  It was flirtatious and sent very sexy pictures.  I was a bit confused at first, but upon chatting with others, I had come to another theory.  It appears since the first one didn’t work, they (?) think I might be bisexual, or am lesbian, thus the woman’s pursuit.  Just too devious and well thought out, scary even.           

‘nough said.