If I pay more, will I evade the freaks?
MySpace is free; Yahoo Personals run $124.95 for six months; eharmony, $173.70; Perfect Match, $159.95; and Match.com, $131.88. Which service is better? If I pay more, will I get better results? No freaks? People who are serious in a real relationship, not just a night out? And, last but not least, in paying for a more expensive membership, will the profiler be more honest? These are all good questions to ask before investing in one of these sites.
Since I am an experienced online dater, I will share with you, my thoughts and results. Hopefully, my thoughts will offer some insight to help you decide before you pull out the plastic and make your initial, or additional, investment into the online world of dating.
A year or so ago, I joined eharmony, fully expecting to find someone real and serious about a relationship. I spent three straight hours filling out the relationship questionnaire. Then I pulled out the plastic and paid, what I considered an investment fee, not a simple membership. The profile placed me in this little tiny corner of all possible matches at 12%. You may ask, “With results so bleak, why did I pay the huge fee?” Good question, I have no answer. I guess I figured if there was any place I could possibly find my soul-mate, especially since I was in this small population, it would be the service which placed me in this population. About a week later, I received my first potential matches. After going back and forth, per eharmony procedure, I finally met a couple of the matches. Let me just say this, this small little group of 12%’ers, well, we must be a little freaky. The guys were nice, paid for dinner or drinks, opened the doors, perfect gentlemen. After dinner, though, that was it. We didn’t hit off in, even a small percentage. In the short time we spent with each other, we were both convinced that even though we were of a small select group, we were no match! So, like many investments, this was a bomb. My final impression of eharmony is it is really expensive, takes a lot of work to even get a profile, and the results were not impressive at all. Granted, this may just be my experience, I mean look at the commercials, and apparently this is a great deal of successful stories of other members. I would be interested to know the percentage group most of their successful members fall into.
My experience with Match.com had similar results; I just wasn’t as frustrated as I was with eharmony. Match.com didn’t put me in this tiny corner, and it wasn’t as expensive. Now they even have a special: you are guaranteed to find someone within six months, or you get six months free. Ok, now back up a step. That is one whole year, and I am sorry, if I am not having positive results after six months, do I want another six months on the same site? Just the thought of being on a dating site for over six months depresses me.
Onto Yahoo Personals, I have actually met some really nice guys. Yeah, I have met some freaks and Internet stalkers as well, thus the experience in getting rid of unwanted attention. The way I work Yahoo is this: I complete my profile; upload a recent photo; and designate my specifics (see the “Any” post). Then, I sit back and wait. I guess I am just a bit ole’ school, I like the guy to contact me first. Shortly, the “winks” start coming in. At this point, I usually pay the monthly fee for one month. I do this so I can respond to all these nice gentlemen. I believe it is only common courtesy to answer anyone who takes the time to contact me. I guess I see sending winks or ice breakers as like trying to start a conversation in real life. If someone says something to you in a store, not responding to them is just rude. Oh, and to address the comments I have read regarding how old fashioned and stupid winks are. They are not! Many people are really shy about first contact, so the winks help them make contact without putting them on the spot to come up with something clever. Further, people do still wink in public. I have been winked at many times, and have winked a few myself. Winks are cool, and very helpful.
After a few contacts, and before my month period is up, I asses whether or not I want to pay for an additional month. I usually have had enough contact to either have made a few friends, or to convince me that this period of time is just not right for the dating scene. Be careful though, as most of the sites automatically bill for another month. I always mark the date I will be charged again, and a couple of days before, so I can cancel before I am charged.
My final assessment of the expense associated with dating websites is cost does not equal satisfaction or a soul-mate. Freaks and Internet stalkers can and will register with all of the dating sites, no matter the expense. I suggest trying a few on for size, even if the cost is a bit more paying for one month than paying for six months, it will balance out when you find a site that works for you. As to whether profiles are more honest if one pays a larger fee, haven’t found that to be necessarily true either. The purpose of the questions is not hard to figure out, therefore manipulating an answer to create a more likeable profile. Also there is nothing to stop anyone from putting up an old photo or lying about their basics. Bottom line, if someone will lie about themselves on a cheaper site, there is no reason to believe they will tell the truth if they are spending more money. A person who is not confident about themselves will not gain a better perspective of themselves if they spend more money. In fact, if they are spending more money, they may be more inclined to lie, attempting to make their profile more marketable. The red flags and intuitions you get when responding or contacting someone should still be your best tool no matter what site you are on. I find I get a pretty good idea of who the person is by just reading their profile, the first actual email, and if they have taken the time to be specific about what type of person they are looking for.
Any?
In looking at many profiles today, I noticed one consistent trait in many of the profiles: “Any”.
It appears the only areas which profilers are fairly specific on are body type and ethnicity. Some designate smoking and drinking preferences. Notice this is not gender specific, men and women alike have this problem. I think the reason we do this is not to offend anyone by being too specific. But, these questions are not being asked in a Congressional hearing, they are being asked to assist you in finding someone you click with. So, don’t complain when some freak starts writing you, or you have a date with someone who is really not like you at all, when your profile reads “Any” on so many characteristics.
The biggest area of being vague in my opinion is “Marriage Status.” Come on people! If the man or woman you are looking at is married, you can appreciate their honesty of saying this straight up in their profile, but then you have to ask why are they posting a profile, and if they are married, are they looking for swingers? “Any” is not a realistic desire of a potential partner. Further, if you don’t want someone who has a toxic ex, don’t put “Any” on your list of desires. If the prospective profile lists separated or married, they are bound to have some issues from a past (or current) relationship which have not been resolved. I apologize to those who are married trying to escape a bad relationship, or those you are separated trying to start over. Point is, to give a new relationship a chance you have to have put the old one behind you. It is like trying to bring your boat into a new harbor but with the anchor down, dragging behind you. There could be lovely sights to see in that new harbor, but you won’t know until you pull up the anchor, and move on into the shore.
“Living Situation” is another truth needed area. If you are a woman and the guy is living with his parents, does this make a difference to you? Be honest. If you are a man and the profile states she lives with her parents, would this be a concern for you? If he/she states they live with pets, and you are allergic to cats, say something right up front. Ask in the first email if “pets” includes cats. I would think this would be a deal breaker unless you are willing to take allergy medicine the whole time you are dating. Guys, I am not sure if you have heard this or not, but if a woman is asked to make a choice between her pet or a significant other, it is always best to choose the pet. Giving up a pet for a lot of people, men and women alike, is like giving up a best friend or kid. Also, if the woman lives with a roommate, is the roommate a guy? If so, would this be a concern for you? Specify, specify, specify!
The subject of “Religion” is an important tell-tell sign as well. If you put “Any” in this area, are you willing to accept someone who is Pagan? Who is Atheist or Agnostic? Or, someone who is LDS? This is not an “Any” area. If spirituality is important to you, then make sure you designate this. An Atheist or Agnostic is not going to be into chatting about your church choir, and may offhandedly offend you in chatting. A very spiritual person may attribute more things to God than you believe, and this may bother a person who is not spiritual or Pagan. Pay attention to the red flags when conversing: does he/she talk about church more than you like? Pay attention to your gut instincts.
I have worked with divorce court and in family law for many years, and the three largest reasons for divorce are exactly what most people are leaving as “Any” in their answers. Honesty is at the top of the list of reasons for divorce. Religious beliefs and money are the other two. I am not impressed by the person who puts “Any” for a majority of their answers, ‘cause I know you have some specific criteria with regard to these characteristics. If I am emailed by a man, and in checking his profile, find he answers “Any” to a majority of the questions, I don’t email him back. I may be totally off here, but I feel he is either desperate, doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, or he just wants to find someone to “shag.”
In reality, if a profile just turned out to be an “Any” person, would you want this person for your soul mate, or even for a date?
Rene
Dating yourself
Before we find someone who is going to be out soul mate, our lifelong love, or just a close friend, we must first have some understanding of who we are and be okay to be with just ourselves. Now this might sound like one of those self-help books, but bottom line, wherever you get the advice from, book, grandma, mother, friend, it is true. If we don’t like ourselves then no one else is going to give a crap about us one way or the other. So, take a mirror out (perhaps the same one you used to examine yourself before posting your profile), and look at you.
Do you like who is looking back at you?
Would you hang with you?
Would you ask you out?
Silly questions at first, but think about them.
Now, would you go to the movies alone? On a Friday or Saturday night? Or would it have to be in the afternoon on a weekday, when most people are at work?
If you wanted to go to Red Lobster, or similar, would you go if you couldn’t find someone else to go with?
Do you go to the mall or shopping for anything but groceries by yourself?
After much growth and just plain aging, I have realized there are too many things in this life I want to do, and I want to do them NOW! I don’t want to wait for some guy to come along and take me to see a movie I have been dying to see since the first preview. If I want crab legs, by damn! I will go to Red Lobster. I don’t even notice if others are looking at me, probably because I don’t really notice if someone else is there alone either. I don’t believe there is some unwritten rule only a couple (man and woman, two friends, etc…) can go out in public together. Give me one good reason a single person could not go by themselves to see a movie or eat out. Trust me, the waiter doesn’t care, and neither does the ticket taker. No one places a big sign on your back saying “She’s alone, couldn’t get a date!” Please! People in this day and age don’t care, and most don’t even notice.
Now to get back to the issue of being cool with ourselves: If we do not have the self confidence to go out to a movie by ourselves, then we are sincerely lacking. You either care too much about what others think, or are too self conscious. Either way, STOP! I don’t care how much you weigh, how tall/short you are, or if you have a big ‘ole zit on your nose (maybe you should take care of that first though, don’t want to scare small children), this is it, this is you. I lead my life like this: What is the worst that could happen? Yeah, I guess everybody could stand up in the theatre and point at me, yelling, “She is alone, no date!” Seriously don’t think that is going to happen. Simply because I would yell back, “Look at that guy with the big belly, or that chick with the zit on her nose (told you to take care of it before you left!).” The realistic worst which could happen is somebody looks at you sideways, and you interpret this look as reading the big sign on your back. In reality, they probably didn’t even notice you weren’t with someone, and if they did, they could be envying (yes, green envy) you because you are able to go it alone.
There you have it: no big signs are posted on your person; people don’t care if you are out with yourself or ten people (as long as you are not alone making the noise of ten people!); and a lot of people, especially women, are envious of any woman who can just go places by herself. I find the beauty of this whole going out alone thing like this: I can wear whatever I want to; I can eat as much popcorn with or without butter, and I can put my feet up on the bars in front of me, instead of trying to be all ‘lady-like.’ When I go out to eat, I usually sit where I can watch a game. Two reasons for this: one, I actually like watching lots of sports; and, the drinks are closer this way, better service all the way around. If I wanted to be real conniving I could also add in many places where are all the guys hanging out at dinner time if they are single? The bar.
If I have a particularly stressful day, I go to my favorite bar, play Janis Joplin and Melissa Ethridge (empowering music), order my food and cosmo, and I am off playing whatever my limit is for the night on the video poker. I don’t sit and get drunk, I don’t go to the ATM for additional cash to gamble, and I don’t even really know how much time has passed, till I realize my selections are through or I am at my limit on the machine. Good therapy. I don’t go home with anyone, don’t even notice anyone. As far as I am concerned, I am there with me, the bar is empty, and I am in my head. I have been picked up on a few times, but I so quickly blow it off, or the bar-tender, who knows my routine, does it for me, it doesn’t even touch my balloon of de-stressification. I always remember two things when I go to a bar or casino and a guy picks up on me: 1)Don’t be surprised if the guy who picked you up at the bar is an alcoholic, and 2) Don’t be surprised if the guy who picked you up at the casino has a gambling problem. Many don’t have these problems, to be sure, but the ones who do gravitate to places which support their addiction.
Look at others who are out going to movies, dinner, and shopping. Many dress so bad, I wouldn’t even take the dog out looking like they do. These days one does not have to be all gussied up to go out, we can dress however we feel comfortable, which can be scary sometimes when looking around, but basically good all the way around. Yeah, it would feel a bit funny to be all dressed for a fancy party, and walk in alone, but, hell! Been there, done that, as well. No big deal once I got in the party. Go out and do what you want! Don’t wait for someone else to take you. Think of it this way: The date could really suck and end up ruining the movie you had so been looking forward to, and if you would have went by yourself, well, that would be a great date, ‘cause you’re a great date!
Rene
RED FLAGS!
Hey, friends. Let’s talk about RED FLAGS of online dating. There are quite a few, and I am sure my list can be added upon, so feel free to comment.
One of the biggest Red Flags I can offer is the scams which can really hurt your heart and your pocket book. It appears it is profitable lie to another online: money, electronics, and identities have been lost this way. The basics of the scam work different for women and men, or at least I thought so until last week. For a man, usually a woman emails him, stating she is in Russia, or some other country. He checks out her profile and she is drop-dead gorgeous. I haven’t had any man tell me the woman was okay, she is always beautiful. She finds you so attractive, and she wants to meet you and come to the United States really bad. Many men have gone a couple steps further and actually talked with the woman on the phone, and some have even traveled to Russia. From what I have encountered in my friend’s stories, only one woman will contact them. Conversation online continues, and he falls for this woman, hook, line, and sinker. Some men send gifts, some send money. The end goal for the woman is to have him send her airfare to come to the U.S. Many a men have fallen for this, and send money, or send plane tickets. The end of the story is sad. I had one friend who told me actually went to Russia, to the address she gave him and he had been writing and sending gifts to, and couldn’t find her. No one in the building knew who this woman, she has never been seen in the apartment or neighborhood. After searching for days, he finally left Russia with a broken heart, broken pocket book, and feeling like a fool. Another male friend of a friend stated he actually paid for the woman to come to the United States, but when he met her, she was not the same woman he had been conversing. These men who fall into these traps are tender-hearted, and caring, so when she shows up at the airport not being the same woman, he is at a loss at to what to do. Does he call security; turn her in, meanwhile appearing as a fool to the rest of the world? I am not sure what this guy did, but it would be a very awkward situation, to say the least.
The scam which even I, yes me the experienced online dater, fell for was the classic Ghana scam. I had been contemplating moving to Oregon, and placed my profile on a personals site looking for individuals in the new area so I would have a few contacts. I was contacted by lots of wonderful and kind men. But, just like anything else, it only takes one to spoil the party. A man contacted me with a very realistic picture: the guy wasn’t super model quality, but nice looking; he had a great smile; a nice home in a town not far from my chosen area; and here is the key, he was a widower, with a son. First reaction when you read a man is a widower is feeling sorry for him, especially if there is a child involved. Just check it for yourself: which word gets your attention more, widow or divorced? So, his story continues, and he chatted with me more and more online. He told me what his home looked like in Oregon; what is son was like; what he did for a living; how he was preparing for this trip to Ghana; and, things he liked about me. He finally started with the undying love for me, and plans for a future with me as his wife, and his son’s mother. He caught me hook, line, and sinker.
Soon he is in Ghana, and suddenly his laptop won’t work there. Did I question how he was emailing me? Yeah, but I dismissed it as he said he had a computer in the house he was renting. Then his cellular phone won’t pick up a signal in Ghana, he needs me to purchase one for him, and he even provides the internet address of the store where he wants me to buy it from. Then he also states I might want to buy an Ipod or something like that for my “new” son for Christmas. I really saw a lot of red flags at this point, and told him of my concerns. He came up with answers for some of them, but the kicker was when he sent flowers. He had a dozen roses sent to my house; yes he had my home address, stupid me. He also sent a beautiful small Christmas tree complete with lights and decorations to my office. I was so flattered, and I thought he had to be for real if he thought enough of me to send me these gifts. Like an idiot, I purchased the cellular phone and Ipod. I was convinced.
Fed Ex came to the rescue. In sending the electronics via Fed Ex, I found they have their own way of trying to reduce scams with regard to Ghana, and other countries. I sent the electronics out on a Friday; they contacted my boss as his name is primary on the Fed Ex account, to verify he was sending this package to Ghana. He verified it, but meanwhile I had second thoughts, and found a website which had details of my experience other women had written (http://www.internet-love-scams.org/forum/index.php). In doing just a little research and reading, I found so many women who had been told the same exact story as my “true love” was telling me. I immediately telephoned Fed Ex and had my package returned to the office. I was able to get my money back on the electronics. When I told this story to a Federal Agent while making a report of online scamming, he told me I was lucky I purchased the items, as if I would have been an intermediary with his funds, I would have been an accomplice in this scam. He also told me the flowers were most likely purchased with stolen credit card information, which would explain why the tree came from a totally separate store than the roses. I was lucky!After I told my story and added this scammer’s picture to the album on the website mentioned above, I received an email from a woman who had just received a loving and wonderful email from the same guy. She was so grateful to have been forewarned about this guy.
This is an example of how a scammer would write which I just happened to receive last week: It was a beautiful day yesterday and nice to get a mail from you i belive with time we can get to write more as we get to know each other better, Today is gorgeous cos your beginning to allow yourself to know me and responding to make me know you more too, i hope my days when we meet would be much full of surprises and wonderful. How are u doing today? hope you having a pleasant time i will be online tonight to talk to you[notice the time difference], i also would really love to chat with you dear[endearments way too soon!], i know this night we give us allot time to communicate and talk better i must say i am attracted to deep communication, although we haven’t gotten to know each other more but the little i have read and seen about you give me the courage with accept fate telling me you would accept me[any mention of fate, big RED FLAG!]. You can let me know what time you will be on and i will see if we can be on the same time. IF NOT I’LL GIVE YOU A BETTER TIME.I am feeling like a part of me has been born, this is a part that has been giving lost heart reason to believe that my life would no longer have direction. The direction in which I would walk to seek my goal, The goal everybody seeks: The goal of completion. I need to be completed by my partner, I want to spend my life making her happy, Spend all day with her Talking to each other using only body language, Be more proud of her than I already am at this very moment, Accept my partner totally with love and completely Be one with her. Envelop my partner with passion in my soul. I want to Grow old with my partner. Love has no limit neither time…it comes when you decide to open a space in you hear to let it. Now i hope this is the time where i would have to decide on how i want to hold onto it forever.[Ok, all of this is just creepy for a second email!]OK before then tell me a little about the things you like and want, what kind of things you would like when you are in a relationship, how you would like time spent together with your spouse[did he say “spouse”?] what kinds of things would you like to be done in your relationship, what things would you want in your relationship to uphold and develop a strong bond, how would you want to start a relationship what kinds of things are you looking for in a relationship, what kind of life do you dream of having? well i will wait for your response probably will be on later I’m gonna have some rest now and will look forward seeing you mail response,
take care
Ivan Emphasis added, Red Flags in…Red.Thanks, Ivan.
Last week I also received an email from a woman in Nigeria. It was flirtatious and sent very sexy pictures. I was a bit confused at first, but upon chatting with others, I had come to another theory. It appears since the first one didn’t work, they (?) think I might be bisexual, or am lesbian, thus the woman’s pursuit. Just too devious and well thought out, scary even.
‘nough said.
The Profile of Online Profiles.
I have been on and off online personals for about 6 years now, I come to you as an experienced online dater. The reason I hear most for people turning to online personals is talking to strangers in public is hard and can end up creating distrust, which is just the opposite of old school rule. So, many either don’t date at all, or turn to online dating. Those who don’t date at all wait patiently for the right person to come out of no where, or to be introduced to them by a friend. The others who opt for online dating encounter other issues. Some terminology to clarify some online dating terms: “psycho” is any male or female who does not get the hint of someone not being into them, can’t let go of a dating partner, or who become an online stalker; “toxic ex” is the ex boyfriend or girlfriend who constantly calls, shows up, threatens, or is just a general pain in the ass of the person you are interested in; and, “online stalking” is a rather new concept but can be described as constant emails, checking their MySpace© page to see who they are sending comments to, or other online activities which are basically spying on the person who is not into you. Online dating has its own pros and cons. The pros are you can usually get a look at who the potential courtier is by their profile. Granted, they could lie about everything in the profile, but I have found most are fairly accurate. Sometimes they falsify their appearance, income, or interests, but you can usually figure out the misnomers by just chatting with them on the internet or phone before the first date. Speaking of Internet chatting, I am not speaking of chat rooms; my experience is you will find more freaks in chat rooms than in any singles bar. If you keep it to just email or IM’ing, you can learn a lot about the other. Pay attention to your gut, not how much is sticks out, but the feeling you get while chatting with the person. The cons of online dating are what I hear quite regularly: she/he looked way different in their picture. Yeah, I guess some out there are not able to be honest with their pictures and use high-school pictures, someone else’s picture, or no photo at all. I have heard many men state the woman looked at least 20 years older when they actually met her. Just had a date with a gentleman who told me of two women he met through the online personals. One was about 200 lbs. more than her picture or profile stated. The other he didn’t even recognize, even though she was wearing the color of clothes she said she would, because she had used her sister’s picture. When he commented he didn’t recognize her as she walked around the bar, she said she got that comment a lot, and told him it was her sister’s picture on the profile. My thought was, does she get the additional comment of, “is your sister single?” I have also had men who claim they are all into athletics, hiking, skiing, and love the outdoors, only to find they love to watch the fishing channels, love to watch games on TV, and watch all the travel channels. The most athletic they get is when playing a video game, so their thumbs are in great shape! They are so white they haven’t seen the sun in eons, to go outside in the daylight would require SPF 45+. My best experience with a guy who claimed he was very athletic in his profile. I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to date me, as I was not athletic, just walking was my forte. He was sure he wanted to date me, yet I was trying to be upfront and honest, and even give him an out if he so choose. After meeting him, it ended up I was more athletic than him. I would ride his Nordic Bike longer and harder than he would, whereas he would stop and start, and just cruise. I walked a lot more than he did, and he drove everywhere. He also ended up gaining a lot of weight while we were dating, I lost weight. I have also met people who state they are average in the physical department, but not so average when you meet them. I gotta’ wonder what their definition of average is, and should a chart be provided to help people figure this out when preparing their profiles. Just cruising the ads, you see many, and sorry guys but this seems more true of the male than the female, in which the guy is late 40’s and is looking for a woman no older than 30. She must also have a great body, but yet his picture shows him with a belly. It’s time to get real here! Women, though, have their own tricks. The picture switch is the most common. Women also seem to have a bad habit of not just letting a guy go. If you two chat, and he doesn’t respond, let it go, he isn’t into you. Don’t push if he has already checked out, the pursuit is just not cool. Actually, you end up being one of the horror stories they tell others later! The new term for this is online stalking. Both sexes have the habit of having one date, and then pursuing the other even though it has been made clear they are not interested. I have had the guy who continued to write poetry and send flowers, even after I have told him I am not really interested in dating him. Then I have had to get rude to another, actually telling him he was a jerk, and threatening to get a protection order against him because saying “no” was simply not clear enough. I guess what I have discovered here is dating is hard, no matter how and where you do the pick-up. The real issue it appears is honesty. Be honest whether in person, or online. If you are not confident enough about who you are, don’t lie and state untruths whether in conversation or in online chatting. Eventually, all truths come out, and how can you expect honesty from another when you are not honest with yourself or them? Trust me when I say I would rather meet an average looking, individual who is honest, than someone who states they are athletic, and has a pot belly. Tell me if I am wrong here, but I believe this is true of both sexes. Before you post a profile, look in the mirror, write what you see. Another great source is what others say about you. I have no problem when a guy states in his profile, “…my friends say I am good looking…” At least he is not boasting and he has friends! Always keep in mind you may be meeting someone who has actually seen the picture you are providing on the profile, so keep it real. Also, one date does not a relationship make: if he doesn’t call or email you back after the first date, it is okay, move on. If she doesn’t respond to your emails or let’s your calls go to voice mail, delete the name and email address and move on. This is a big ocean, and there is no shortage of single men and women. Rene Winsor
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